The Slutty Little Mermaid: Excerpt

FFT-Cover-UpdateThe guys won’t let me post anything from Snow White & the Seven Kinky Dwarves — my favorite of the three Filthy Fairy Tales because that one is just too naughty.

They also won’t let me post the complete first chapter of The Slutty Little Mermaid, but after some cajoling they let me run with the first part. YAY for me! 🙂


If you’re fine with that, then please enjoy. 🙂

Bianca was surrounded by nothing but black.

As the mermaid swam through the water, thrusting her body up from the world below to where the humans lived — an unstable world with water shimmering only below — she couldn’t see where she was going, nor could she see Innocence or Chastity behind her.

It didn’t matter. There was nothing up this far until they cracked the surface, except for the very rare surface buoy and less-rare boats. The boats were what Bianca was looking for. She wasn’t swimming with caution to avoid running into one — a boat was precisely what Bianca was after, and would have considered finding one her ultimate jackpot.

Below, in Oceana, there was always light. Without light, the bottom of the sea was blacker than black. Up this high, in International Waters (an ugly name for a world, Bianca thought, but humans were eccentric), there was also always at least a little light. The great, white orb of the moon was usually hanging bright in the sky, and the sky was never naked, for even when the moon went missing, stars still scattered their twinkle across the black.

Sometimes there were lights from boats. Between Oceana and International Waters, there was nothing, but it was impossible to get lost since bubbles always went up.

Bianca followed the bubbles to find the human world, and went opposite the bubbles to find her own.

“Bianca!” a voice hissed behind her.


Innocence didn’t like the surface at night, and didn’t like how Bianca kept defying her father. Neither did Chastity. Both mermaids felt fully satisfied by Oceana, and neither  was particularly curious about humans. They liked spending their days swimming with fish and turtles and squid and Poseidon-knew-what-else. Sometimes they’d swim up to the surface so they could sun, but only after first peering in every direction to make sure ships weren’t close, and that they wouldn’t be seen. Some of the older mermaids did look for ships so that they could crash them like the sirens of old, but those girls, in Bianca’s opinion, were complete and total cunts.

Bianca didn’t understand that word, but she liked it. She’d heard it used two different ways by humans on party ships above. One way referred to women who were mean or unreasonable. The other way referred to something between their legs.


That was how they got around. And the appendages which carried them everywhere also seemed to give them so much joy. Over and over again, Bianca had seen humans on boats rubbing their upper legs together. Or something. She could never get close enough, but that was what it looked like. She’d once asked Signal, a seagull she knew, to investigate for her, but Signal just laughed at her, as if he knew exactly what was happening and either didn’t think it was a serious question or didn’t think Bianca should hear the answer. So she’d gone closer — as close as she dared, which wasn’t really close at all — and it seemed that some of the humans were split up beyond their legs. Others had a protrusion, like a finger. These parts were significant, because often others would attempt to eat them. It was all very fascinating.

Again, Innocence yelled up to her.

“Bianca! Slow down!”

“We’re almost there,” Bianca hissed back at her. “Keep your voice down. I can see light.”

“Just a few minutes, OK?” said another voice. Bianca turned and looked, even though she knew exactly who had said it. She wanted to verify that she could see, that there was in fact light filtering down from above.

Though Bianca could see, she doubted a human would be able to. It was Chastity behind her, who was along for the swim only because Bianca had threatened to leave her behind. She’d threatened to leave them both behind, and in fact, sort of wished she had. It wasn’t really a threat, though it might have sounded like one. When Bianca surfaced alone, it was easier to get close. She also, on some strange level, felt that she should be alone when watching the humans do the things they did with their legs. It made strong sensations rise inside her, and it felt somehow wrong to have her friends beside her when she felt those sensations, even though she didn’t really know what they meant.

Bianca broke through the sea and surfaced into the cool evening. Air was always a shock. It was so rarefied, so insubstantial. When the humans dropped things through the air, those things fell too fast to catch. Water held you up. Air was far crueler. But of course, the air was a friend to Bianca, because if the humans never dropped anything from their boats, Bianca wouldn’t be able to collect them.

Bianca had artifacts from all the things that the humans did up here in their strange world of International Waters. There were small white cubes with white dots on them. There were devices Bianca knew stopped working once they hit the water, and she had spent hours dreaming about what they did in the air — long black boxes, devices covered with numbers, others. There were metal devices that looked like keys, but which were far smaller and often clustered in groups on rings. There were blades. There were small tubes and small vials and things with pushers on one end and sharp, pointy needles on the other. There were dangerous-looking devices that her father said were “guns.” These he forbade even more than the rest of her collection.

And there were devices Bianca understood even less, but that a part of her sensed had their own delightful, profane secrets: long rubber objects with bulbs at one end. Skinnier, often-curved, and harder objects that sometimes rusted over time. Silver or fur-covered shackles. Small pincers joined by long, thin chains. Devices that were called “whips,” though those who knew of such things said that they only worked in the air, because you could wave them faster.

Everything was faster up top, in the human world. Bianca had watched the humans dance together in a variety of distinct ways. Some ways of dancing, involving those parts on their legs that she didn’t understand, tended to happen faster than seemed possible under water. Their parts slapped together. Sometimes the humans yelled and screamed, but Bianca didn’t think they were hurting each other.

She felt a sudden, disorienting sensation. Moonlight blanketed the sea around her, shimmering across its surface. Innocence and Chastity broke through the surface on either side, their hair plastered to their heads. They looked at each other, then at Bianca.

The mermaid princess had her eyes fixed to the vessel in front of her, with the planks at the back, near the engines. There was a rustling noise, and something big and white settled a foot from the girls’ heads. It was Signal.

“Hey, goils,” said the seagull. “Should you really be out this late?”

“No,” said Chastity.

“No,” said Innocence.

“I’m 18,” said Bianca. “I can do what I want.”

Signal laughed. “And these two?” he said, referring to the others.

“They’re 18, too.”

“We don’t want to be here,” Chastity told the gull.

“So, leave,” Bianca snapped.

They’d done nothing but complain the entire swim up. Both mermaids had repeatedly told her that they shouldn’t be out, that they were going to be in trouble, that the king expressly forbade them to go up at night for fear of being killed by boats they didn’t see in time, that the king expressly forbade contact with humans and, hence, very strongly discouraged any general interest in the walkers. It was a long swim, so Chastity and Innocence also had plenty of time to remind Bianca that she shouldn’t have human artifacts, and that every single one Bianca kept hidden beneath her bed was somehow unpure and perhaps even evil. They’d seen the way humans used some of those things. And then they’d told her what their overprotective parents had told them: that the humans came out this far only so that they could do things they weren’t allowed to do on land. That couldn’t be good.

Chastity looked briefly offended in the moonlight, but swallowed her rebuke. She looked at Bianca in a way that suggested that she was there to protect the mermaid from herself. And that wouldn’t be a new thought; both of her friends believed Bianca was swimming dangerous waters — both literally and figuratively — and were sure that if they didn’t keep an eye on her, she’d eventually do something stupid.

Something stupid like she’d talked about before, regarding boats like this one, with the low-to-the-water deck at the rear.

Signal tipped his beak toward the boat. “So, you’re here for this?”

“I just want to see what they’re up to.”

“Gambling,” said Signal. “Fucking.”

“Fucking?” Signal had used that word before. It was a human word that he’d heard by perching on hundreds of ships over the years. Signal and the other gulls were unofficial members of dozens of crews.

“Fucking,” said Signal. “But you don’t know fucking, do you? How could you? You’re a mermaid. You don’t have a pussy.”

“What’s a pussy?”

“For fucking. Fingering. Fisting. Double-pounding with dildos.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“Of course, you don’t. You’re like a fish.”

“Stop it, Signal. You’re being silly.”

“You’ll never understand what’s happening on those boats if ‘silly’ is the worst thing you can call me,” said the gull with a laugh.

“So what should I call you?”

“Shitface. Motherfucker. Asswipe. Cocksucker. Cornhole hero.”

Bianca gave him a look, then swam closer. She could hear noises coming from the boat. Sometimes the humans out here screamed and fought. Sometimes they cheered. Sometimes there were bangs and pops that she’d heard were weapons firing. Sometimes there were rockets and starbursts in the sky. But this boat was the kind she’d been hoping to find. The noises were from the other kind of fighting. The sort that sounded delightful.

Signal and the other mermaids followed her. Signal continued talking without trying to keep his voice low. There was no need. To humans, it sounded only like the screeching of a bird.

“They’re fucking like bunnies up there,” he shouted.

Bianca kept her own voice low. “What’s a bunny?”

“Stuff that should be illegal. Hell, stuff that is illegal. But stuff that they all seem to think is pretty great. If you go up to watch, it’ll get you rubbing your urogenital opening.” Signal laughed, because he thought he was hilarious.

Chastity swam faster and caught hold of Bianca’s tail fin.

“Bianca!” she hissed. “Stop!”

Bianca shook free and continued toward the boat.

The human vessel was now uncomfortably close. If the humans looked down, they’d see three female heads skimming the water. Chastity and Innocence reached for Bianca’s arms and fin, but she pushed them away. Within moments, her hands were on the wood planks toward the boat’s rear.

The other mermaids stopped. Bianca, with her hand on a silver rail around the deck, was  10 feet away. Chastity and Innocence treaded water, their hair so flat compared to how it normally looked underwater. They looked at Bianca with big, pleading eyes.

Innocence, her blonde hair looking yellow in the moonlight, mouthed the word  Don’t.

Bianca stared directly back at her, tensed her hand on the railing, and heaved. She sat on the small swim deck, her fin in the water like a siren on a rock.

More insistently, Innocence tossed her head, begging Bianca with her eyes.

Bianca pushed herself up on her fin, the equivalent of a human on her knees. And oh, how the idea of having knees called to her.

She looked over the boat’s edge, and gaped at what she saw.

There were at least a dozen people on the deck. Bianca ducked down, not wanting to be seen, but no one was paying attention. There were lights on the boat, and the lights shone into a gathering of people. The very rear, near the railing where Bianca floated in the water, was dark, with a row of soft, orange vests, which mostly obscured her from view while allowing her to see.

All of the people were nude. If Bianca had never before seen or heard of humans, their nudity wouldn’t have seemed noteworthy, but she knew from watching that humans almost always wore fabrics to cover most of their skin. Sometimes the men didn’t wear fabrics on their tops, but the women always did … and she knew that this was significant, because she’d seen women remove their tops before, and when they did, the men always showed such large, pleased reactions. The only times anyone ever seemed to remove their lower garments was when they did the dancing and the thing with their legs that seemed so intriguing. Yet, the entire boat were as nude as merpeople, all intertwined in a single, swaying mass.

Watching, Bianca felt two strange sensations. Her nipples tingled and grew hard, but the feeling was somehow pleasant. The other sensation occurred near the top of her fin. It was like an itch, but when she reached down to scratch it (it was near where she released wastes and would, one day, lay eggs), Bianca found she couldn’t scratch it. The sensation was somehow inside, beneath her scales. It was like having a deep muscle ache. She could push against it, but not reach it.

“Fucking,” said a rough voice beside her. It was Signal, who had landed a few feet away on the deck.

“Why are they doing this?” she whispered.

“According to the humans I’ve heard talk about it, they do it because it’s fucking awesome.” Signal flew up to the railing and watched. “Kind of makes me want to try it.” He turned around. “Hey, Bianca — stick your finger in my cloaca.”

Bianca ignored the seagull and looked to her friends in the water. She beckoned with her arm, indicating it was safe to come up. Reluctantly, the two girls climbed onto the deck and looked. They gasped, just like Bianca …

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